Friday, April 20, 2018

A servant of the mystery


Emotionally-sensitive, somatically-grounded, cognitively flexible inner work is unique to each nervous system. We must discover for ourselves the most skillful, effective, and compassionate ways to bring illumination into body, psyche, and heart. No one can do this for us. The journey is individual by nature, requiring experiential, primary experience; a collective spirituality is not going to be subtle, nuanced, or creative enough to meet the longing raging within.

It is difficult to work with and integrate shadow on our own as by definition it dwells outside conscious awareness. In this sense it requires an “other” to hold and reveal projection, where surges of the visitor can be co-regulated, in very small doses, titrating and pendulating emerging feeling states by way of the relational field itself. To “borrow” another’s soothed, calm nervous system as we enter into uncharted territory.

The way of direct revelation and embodied, experiential discovery is not the easy way. It is not the path of five-steps to empowerment, manifestation, or thinking our way into permanent happiness, abundance, and bliss. It is a humble journey, heart wrenching at times, as we will inevitably be asked to compassionately confront the disowned selves that surge for reunion.

The goal is not to become dependent upon another in an unhealthy way, but over time to learn the art of self-regulation and be able to shift wisely, skillfully, and compassionately between the two. This is the hallmark of secure attachment: the capacity to care deeply for ourselves while at the same time allowing the other to matter, building resources within us which are rich with skillful self-compassion while also turning to others to co-regulate difficult states of experience.

Slow way down. Ground into the earth and open into the heavens. Ask a guide to bear witness as you move into unknown territory, honoring the truth that reorganization requires an immense outpouring of courage and support. Find a therapist, lover, mentor, or friend; a tree, a bird, a mountain, or dog; the sky, the sun, the stars, or the moon. A God or Goddess, wise inner figure, or being of light. Allow your symptoms to merge into these protectors and enter into dialogue, practicing intimacy with the inner material, but without fusing with it.

It is unlikely we’ll ever fully understand or resolve the mystery of self and other, of separation and union, of sun and moon. But we can break open into the questions together, as beginners, as amateurs, and as servants of the mystery.




My latest book – The Path Is Everywhere: Uncovering the Jewels Hidden Within You – is now available 




My next two events: 

The Path is Everywhere: A Weekend Intensive, June 15-18 in Loveland, Colorado

The Great Befriending: A Five-Day Journey of Self-Love, Deep Rest, and Coming Alive (with Jeff Foster), September 21-26 in Loveland, Colorado (tickets on sale starting April 13)

Wednesday, April 18, 2018

On spiritual bypassing


I’ve received a few messages recently regarding “spiritual bypassing” and how to relate most skillfully with its (inevitable) appearance in our lives. In some circles the term has taken on a pathological tone which is neither warranted nor helpful. Like any other spiritual catch phrase (e.g. accepting everything the way it is, the “power” of the present moment, immediately forgiving everyone who has hurt us, fear is the “opposite” of love) it is important that we journey under the surfaces of these concepts and into the subtlety, nuance, and depth that their skillful engagement requires.

In my experience, "spiritual bypassing" is no different than any other defense mechanism. It serves an important adaptive function and must be honored and respected as such; not attacked, shamed, and torn down in some glorious heroic enlightenment project. There is a tremendous amount of data we can discover in reflecting upon the ways that we engage with particular beliefs to avoid certain aspects of ourselves. The goal is not to "get rid of" spiritual bypassing, but to bring more consciousness (and compassion) to its inevitable and varied expressions, to bring it into the vessel and begin to heat it up with curiosity, awareness, kindness, and warmth.

To what degree are my beliefs and practices bringing me closer to myself; to previously disowned feelings and shadow-aspects of my personality; to the underlying core beliefs I have about myself, others, and the world; to my fears and longings for intimacy with another; and to the way I am unconscious organizing my experience? Alternatively, to what degree might my practices be keeping me away from those parts of myself, promoting distraction and avoidance, and unaware of my own narcissism, blind spots, and habitual behaviors in relationship? The invitation is to get really curious about why we are drawn to certain practices, our intention for taking on certain beliefs, and the unconscious functions that our engagement with them may be serving.

I see spiritual bypass as an inevitable, natural, and information-filled dimension of the journey and, like all defensive organization, imbued with very important data for our own healing and awakening. It is not something to shame ourselves for, but in some sense to celebrate its recognition in our lives. What a miracle, really, to be able to see this and to care enough to tend to what we are seeing with new levels of awareness, curiosity, and compassion. The mere appearance of spiritual bypassing is not confirmation that something has gone wrong or that we have failed, but evidence that we have a raw, alive, beating human heart; that there is a longing deep within us for wholeness, meaning, connection, and to feel alive.

There are times when psychologically defending against certain feelings can be the most skillful way to handle our lives. If, for example, we use certain meditative practices to reduce symptoms of anxiety so that we can make it through the day, attend to our jobs and children, etc. - is this "spiritual bypassing?" Let us not answer too quickly. We have to go deeper and see how nuanced and subtle this territory really is; not to use compelling catch phrases like “spiritual bypassing” to attack parts of ourselves and re-enact dynamics of splitting and self-abandonment.

In psychodynamic practice, working with defensive organization takes an incredible amount of awareness, skill, insight, compassion, and capacity in self-reflection. In a more poetic sense, mechanisms of defense are allies on the path and not obstacles. Training ourselves to see how we might be using our relationship with spirituality to avoid certain aspects of our experience, to hide out from intimacy and relationship, to keep certain emotions and feelings dissociated and outside awareness, and as a way to avoid certain developmental tasks is a real act of kindness that we can give ourselves, others, and the world.

In this sense, spiritual bypass is/ was an effective strategy we’ve learned to care for ourselves, to honor the delicate nature of a traumatized nervous system, or to prevent too much conscious awareness to emerge too quickly, overwhelming us with buried self-experience we have not yet been able to embody, hold, metabolize, and integrate. To not crash through the wall of our defenses, but to approach them with love.

We must remember that more spiritual practice is not always the most wise, skillful, or loving container for working with developmental trauma and other types of wounding, or the right medicine in any given moment of activation. In fact, it can overwhelm the body and nervous system, and constellate re-traumatization. More meditation, more resting in the present moment, more forgiving, and more accepting are not always the right prescription in a particular life at a particular time.

This is an area of inner work that I find immensely complex, nuanced, and rich, and one of quite a lot of depth. I appreciate the willingness to stay with it, to really go deep into it and its implications.




My latest book – The Path Is Everywhere: Uncovering the Jewels Hidden Within You – is now available 




My next two events: 

The Path is Everywhere: A Weekend Intensive, June 15-18 in Loveland, Colorado

The Great Befriending: A Five-Day Journey of Self-Love, Deep Rest, and Coming Alive (with Jeff Foster), September 21-26 in Loveland, Colorado (tickets on sale starting April 13)

Monday, April 16, 2018

Being and becoming


When a painful thought or emotion arrives, do we accept it as it is, flooding it with non-judgmental, compassionate awareness? Or do we engage more actively, enter into relationship with it, get messy, burn with it, ask it why it has come, turn it into a partner of the inner world and explore its meaning, purpose, and qualities?

Acceptance and change. Being and becoming. Yin and yang. Transformation and rest. These are the great archetypal beings we meet when we do this work. As with all psychic opposites, they will never be resolved into some neat, tidy package in which we can take refuge. For they are too alive and too majestic, as they come to us as emissaries of the mystery.

The invitation is not one of resolution, but of alchemy, dancing as archaeologists of our own bodies, hearts, images, and dreams, exploring inside the tension of the opposites, that rich middle territory that is oriented in the creative unknown. At times, it is rest and acceptance that is the medicine that is most needed; at other times, more fiery, more active, more messy, and more relational. Neither are “true” or “better” or “more spiritual,” but each skillful means which we can call forth in a moment of activation.

Mindfully allowing the fires of the inner world to emerge, play for a short while, and then dissolve… with compassion, acceptance, and kindness. At other times going into the content with longing and curiosity, meeting the visitor in a different way, speaking with him or her, listening to what she has to say, how he is organizing his experience and his view on our life, to begin a dialogue with the “other,” find out why they have come, and what it is that they want and need from us. To use the mind as a vehicle of relationship, of discovery and depth, to think creatively and in new ways, to discover perspective, and to re-organize the characters, plots, storylines, and narratives.

Each of these paths is utterly valid, a profound offering for ourselves and others. We need not take sides but engage each with curiosity, as experiments in love.

In the end, to discover how it is that we’ve come to imagine ourselves, others, and this world; and even more importantly, how we might begin to re-imagine the entire landscape, re-author the poem that is our lives, and re-enchant this place with new vision.




My latest book – The Path Is Everywhere: Uncovering the Jewels Hidden Within You – is now available 




My next two events: 

The Path is Everywhere: A Weekend Intensive, June 15-18 in Loveland, Colorado

The Great Befriending: A Five-Day Journey of Self-Love, Deep Rest, and Coming Alive (with Jeff Foster), September 21-26 in Loveland, Colorado (tickets on sale starting April 13)